The Hell Yes Entrepreneur with Becca Pike | Sexual Pleasure, Creativity, and Your Business with Danielle SavoryWhy is having and enjoying sex important? How does getting more pleasure in your life impact your business, creativity, health, and wellness? My guest this week is an expert in the neuroscience of sex, intimacy, and female pleasure, and we’re diving into all things rated R in today’s episode. If you’re an alpha female, busy getting shit done, but it feels like the world we live in isn’t conducive to having beautiful, stress-free sexual sessions with your partner, this episode is for you.

Danielle Savory is a sex and pleasure coach who helps women feel more turned on and experience more pleasure in the bedroom and beyond. Over the past decade, she’s helped thousands of women revitalize their entire well-being and tap into the pinnacle of personal growth through the lens of sexual and sensual pleasure using her expertise in neuropsychology, mindfulness, and somatics.

Tune in this week as Danielle and I discuss the science behind the benefits of sexual pleasure, how your nervous system influences your sex life, and you’ll learn how to get your mind on board and create more desire for sex, so you can experience the growth available from having a fulfilling sex life.

 

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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • The disservice we do to ourselves when we neglect our sexual pleasure.
  • How our pleasure centers can make a massive impact on our businesses and creativity, as well as our health and wellness.
  • Why too many women don’t understand how focusing on sexual pleasure can boost their overall well-being.
  • How to better understand why your partner might have a higher sex drive than you do.
  • The science behind the benefits of prioritizing your sexual pleasure.
  • How the media and the society we live in have left women feeling like they should be giving in the bedroom.
  • The mindset shift required to fully harness the benefits of a pleasurable sex life.

 

Listen to the Full Episode:

 

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Full Episode Transcript:

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What’s up guys? Today I’m interviewing Danielle Savory. She is into the neuroscience of sex and intimacy, and she is a sex and intimacy coach. We’re going to dive in today to pleasure, pleasure receptors, sex, all things rated R.

So strap in and get your seat belt buckled because we are going deep into why it’s important to have sex, why it’s important to enjoy sex, why it’s important to have pleasure in your life, and how it is going to seep into your business, your creativity, your health, and your wellness and how our ancestors and all of the animal kingdom are on board with just female pleasure in general.

I think this is a really important topic too, especially because a lot of my listeners are alpha females, getting shit done, busy all of the time, usually have children with them in tow, if not multiple children with them in tow. So the world that we live in right now is not conducive with having these really beautiful stress-free sexual sessions with our partners. Danielle really brings to light why that is important, why we want to bring that into our life, and how it benefits us.

So before we get started, I do want to take a second and chat with you about The Circle. So The Circle is my annual membership. This is where you’re going to get all of the recordings to all of the classes that I’ve ever taught. You get access to every single class that is inside of my world for 12 months. This is where the majority of my students go. This is where all of the results that I’m always posting about on Instagram are coming from. The Circle is the most no brainer place to be.

So while I’m always talking about coming to Hell Yes Live Chicago and coming into the mastermind, and we’ve got mini-minds and we’ve got Zero to Coach certifications, and we have a lot of wheels turning and plates spinning in the Hell Yes community, The Circle is still the big dog. It is the main place to be. That is exactly where you want to go. It is your next move if you are looking to come into my world.

The Circle is $8,888 per year or $888 per month for one year. So if you want to work with me closely, you want to come into my containers and you want to blow the fuck up in your business, you’re going to want to come into The Circle.

You can contact us over at @1beccapike on Instagram, or you can email us at [email protected] for more details. All right, on to episode number 163 with Danielle Savory. I am your host, Becca Pike, and it is time for your weekly dose of Hell Yes Coaching. Let’s go.

Hey, guys. I’m Becca Pike and welcome to The Hell Yes Entrepreneur podcast, the number one show for entrepreneurs looking to create their first six-figure year. If you’ve got the drive and you know how to hustle but you’re not sure where to channel your energy, we’ve got the answers. Let’s dive into today’s show.

Becca: Hi, Danielle. How are you?

Danielle: Good. How are you doing? So good to be here.

Becca: Good. I’m so excited to have you. I love you. I can’t wait to introduce you to my people and my world. So can you just take a second, tell us who you are, what you do?

Danielle: My name is Danielle Savory. I am a sex and pleasure coach. Yeah, I’ve been in the realm of sex and pleasure for the last decade, really helping women mostly open up to how pleasure can be such a portal for us for optimizing our brain, feeling better, releasing shame, healing, all of that stuff.

But I think what really jazzes me up right now in the realm because my background’s in neuroscience. So I’m a total neuro nerd. I love the brain. I love talking about how to improve the brain so that we can improve what we’re doing or how we’re showing up in the world is just this idea of specifically using our sexual power and energy and pleasure in particular, not just as a conduit back into our body, but as a way to create the internal resources that we want in our brain so that we can go out in the world and really achieve what we want to achieve in our life.

Becca: So you’re saying that our pleasure centers, when activated and used, can literally benefit our business, benefit our creativity, benefit our health, our wellness, all of it.

Danielle: All of it. I think that we do a huge disservice to ourselves when we cut this part of ourselves off. I think for women in particular, just the way that we have been socialized around our sexuality, that happens without our even acknowledging it. The way that we kind of like outsource it elsewhere, or even if we kind of like it, we don’t look at it as a way to really add to our well-being or add to the way that we’re showing up.

So it’s just kind of like oh it’s fun. It’s a nice to have. It’s a luxury. But when you’re intentionally showing up with your pleasure and your sexual pleasure in particular, like this is for me, or this is for my business, or this is for my relationship, or this is for my confidence. When you show up with it that way, then it’s going to have a greater impact on how it releases certain neurochemicals from your brain and actually changes the structure of your brain. So you’re creating that result.

Becca: How do you think that media, let’s start with media, because we can go down the religious rabbit hole. We can go down the media rabbit hole. We can do this all day. But let’s just talk media. How do you think media affects women believing and empowering themselves to be able to have as much pleasure as they want versus feeling guilty about it or feeling too busy about it? What does that look like to you?

Danielle: Yeah I think that the landscape has changed a lot, but so many of the messages that we grew up with still are of this place that women are objects of pleasure rather than pleasure truly being for us. That is one of the ones I find with my clients, it’s the hardest one to untangle.

You’ll really see this playing out in heterosexual relationships where it’s like oh, like one more thing I have to do, one more thing I have to give. Oh my husband, he really wants it. This idea of I am giving something when I have sex, I’m giving it up. I’m giving. Like even the way that we talked about like virginity, or you hear like locker room banter, right? Like oh, did she give it to you? Did she give it up? Just the way our language is spoken about it, it is something that we’re relinquishing. It’s something that is like giving away. So it’s like this sacrificial thing, rather than something that we’re receiving.

That is one of the things that I have seen, not just in media, but in social culture, and the way that we speak about it has been the biggest hurdle that has really kept it from being a powerful thing for women to embrace fully because it doesn’t truly feel like it’s for them, even if they enjoy. It ends up being this reward or this guilty pleasure.

Then in media, we also have things that are like Sex in the City, right, where there’s an empowerment, and there can be this thing of like this is something that I can lean into. This can be something for me. But I would even say with that kind of media, there is still this underlying thing of it might be a nice to have, or it’s fun, or it’s kind of like this like ooh, I get to be the sexual woman.

But it’s still not crossing that bridge of like the benefits outside of it just being this like fun thing, which of course, it should be fun. But when we’re really looking at it as like a secret ingredient to our success.

So I think media has done not only is it not for us, but the way that it’s even been presented when it becomes about a liberation, and then we can talk about just rom-coms, and the way that rom-coms like make it like what it looks like or what it should look like is also such a disservice because it never actually shows what it looks like for female pleasure and how female pleasure and desire.

So media oftentimes also gets used against us because we’re like oh, it should look this way. I should still want it, and I should blah, blah, all the shoulds of what it’s like to get turned on, of what it’s like to be able to orgasm in two minutes after your partner’s put you up on top of a dryer or something like that. Like it’s so unrealistic that we use the media against us.

Or it’s only okay once I feel really emotionally connected. Like I couldn’t possibly, if I’m frustrated or mad at my partner, have sex with them because, again, then I’m losing. I’m giving something up. I’m giving in. Again, so many messages in there of these subtle ways that it’s presented that it really keeps us from owning our true power that is withheld within pleasure.

Becca: Yeah, and the giving dynamic is so important because you’ve got these women, a lot of them are moms to young kids, giving all day long, giving in their business, giving to everybody else, giving to their husband, giving to this, giving to that. They’re out-touched. They’re overstimulated. They’re exhausted, probably over-caffeinated, haven’t slept, finally get the kids in bed, and the husband is like let me see them titties. And you’re like oh my God, I’m going to die, right?

But when you are thinking of it like you’re giving something to your husband, it is so much harder and worse and terrible, and you’ve helped me realize this over the years too. Thankfully, I’m just being raw and open. Thankfully, Mark and I have had a really good sex life our whole lives. I think that it’s mindset, and I know that you know this more than anything.

But number one, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how important it is that I am receiving during sex. I am receiving just as much as he is, and thank God, he wants me to receive. He wants to help. He wants to do whatever needs to happen to make it amazing so that I want to do it forever. I think that there has been times, especially when the babies were really young, that I was thinking of it like giving, and that was an exhausting time in my life. Instead of, I’m going to go refuel in the bedroom. I’m going to go collect for me.

Danielle: Like reset.

Becca: Reset.

Danielle: I need fill my cup, literally.

Becca: Yes, it’s not I’m not giving to him, and just I get nothing from it. No, that’s not what’s happening. So yeah, huge mindset shift.

Danielle: Huge mindset shift, and we also just have to talk about like the logistics of it. It’s not just the mindset shift. The place that our nervous system is in and the dysregulation that so many women feel in their bodies on a day-to-day basis also has a huge impact for us even having the ability to use our prefrontal cortex, like you’re saying. Like looking at it oh this is for me.

Because in a state where we are having stress hormones flooding our system, when we’re in a fight, flight, or freeze, where most of us are when we are running businesses, or giving all the time, or having young children around that can literally like end their life like with the turn of their little, teeny bodies at any moment.

We are wired to be on high alert to make sure that we can allow all of these pieces of our life to succeed and to grow. But if we are not regularly resetting our nervous system, if we’re not regularly acknowledging the fact that there are stress hormones that we can come out of that, then the idea too of being touched or opening up isn’t even accessible to you.

So if you’re listening to this, and you’re like why haven’t I not thought about it’s for me? It’s like because that thought literally wasn’t accessible to you. It typically isn’t when you’re hangry, when you’re trying to make dinner, and then your husband comes by and just smacks your ass. You’re like back the F off because it feels, to your body and to your mind, like a tiger is coming at you.

So we also have to just talk about the nervous system a little bit when it comes to that sort of thing that it isn’t a cognitive thing. You’re not like oh, I’m just like blocking myself off from all of this pleasure. It’s on the subconscious level. It’s on the nervous system level. Your brain and your body are doing what they’re meant to do. They’re operating in survival mode, which means you’re not available to stop and get it on the field when a tiger is chasing you.

Becca: Do you think that this spans across the animal kingdom?

Danielle: Oh, yeah.

Becca: Like do other female animals feel this way?

Danielle: It’s a really good question. You’ll see it, and I’ve watched —

Becca: The reason I’m asking is because of reels, because of Instagram reels, where like the male tiger comes over and is like trying.

Danielle: Yeah, that’s what I was going to say.

Becca: Yeah.

Danielle: Yes. So I do think to a certain extent, it absolutely does. But the thing that that animals are so good at that humans are not is their body naturally will help release stress. Their body will have like help them do that. We have this more developed frontal lobe. The more developed frontal lobe allows us to stay in thoughts for longer than is good for us. We can spin in worry. We can spin in stress, we can spin in to do’s, we can spin in catastrophizing, we can spin in ruminating. Animal kingdom doesn’t do that.

When we are spinning in all of these type of thinking, often than what it’s doing, it’s just releasing more of those chemicals that are keeping you shut down to begin with. So yes, they might experience it to a certain extent if they’re kind of tired because they have been taking care of their young, but it’s not because they’re thinking about the 800 emails and the cupcakes and everything that they have to fucking make for tomorrow. It’s because they’re just having a moment of tiredness.

That is okay. Sometimes we do have moments of tiredness. But what we are doing is we are actually making ourselves more unavailable by not giving ourselves the gift of resetting all of the normal stressors that come through our day that put our body in this place to begin with.

Becca: Yeah, absolutely. I’d like to give our listeners some advice on what to do if you’re someone that is just like I can’t even fathom getting myself into the mindset of this being for me. But before we do, let’s take a second and detour and talk about the male species. The male species, in your opinion, the masculine energy, what is their relationship with sex? What can we believe about our husbands, about our partners, that is healthy when it comes to their strong desires, their needs. Anything that you can speak to on that front?

Danielle: This is a really great question. I mean, the first thing that I would say is there’s a lot of toxic masculinity out there too, right? So when we’re taking a look at this to just be like acknowledge, and it’s not like oh, this is a bad man because he’s thinking about this. But understanding we’ve all been marinating in the same messages since we were very young, right?

We’ve been marinating in these messages, which have told men that this is a need that they really need to fulfill. When we’re in really healthy relationships, and we can see this, like you were saying. Like Mark, it’s like oh, I want to take care of you. I want to like please you. I want to receive. It’s coming from this genuine place of like looking at my partner like I love this woman. Like I love this. I want to show her my love. I want to be there. I want to feel this. It’s not just like I need to get off, right? You’re not looking at your person just like I need to get off.

I think that’s a really important distinction. Even if your husband or partner has been in that place, they’re also not a bad person. It’s like really so important for us to understand. It’s like of course, they would think that way. Every single like movie that came out in the 90s have told them they should be thinking of that way. Every single message that we have gotten.

So I think that it’s so important for us to remember like with men when, you know, and this is, again, stereotyping and some generalization here that they were told that pleasure was okay, and that they should want it. That it was okay to want it. That this was part of the fabric of their life and of them being men, which can also come back and hurt a lot of men if they’re not feeling desire, if they’re not feeling that into it.

That is still such a hurtful message if they are not in the mood, which a lot of men aren’t, or if their wife might have like a higher sexual desire. So it plays in both ways. But the one thing that I think stands true is this socialization in this message that I’m allowed for pleasure. I’m expected to have pleasure. It’s okay for me to feel good. I don’t need to wait to feel good. That this is just part of like who I am. I honestly believe that part of that message has also allowed them to have more desire because it doesn’t feel as shameful.

But it also has given them an advantage to using the pleasure like I talked about in all these ways that it benefits our brain and using their sexual pleasure in particular to resource their brain and their nervous system in ways that we have denied ourselves as women because it feels shameful. We feel guilty. We feel like it’s like relinquishing some part of ourselves or integrity or our energy. So that is just kind of a side note that I would say on that.

Becca: You know, maybe I shouldn’t be saying this. Poor Mark. I mean, he’s such a private guy. I just talk about him on social media. I talk about him on the podcast. He says it doesn’t bother him.

Danielle: Well, you’ve got the —

Becca: I mean, he is. So it’s hard for me not to talk about it. But I think that this can be really helpful for my listeners. So I’m going to just say it. But Mark has really helped me change the way that I think about his strong sexual desire. So he loves to have sex.

The way that he explains it to me is he’s like first of all, I just want you to know I don’t want it to be this way. It’s like being hungry. He’s like I don’t want to be hungry all the time. It’s annoying. It gets in the way. I don’t love it. So it’s not like something that I’m proud of. Anything like that. He was like I’m just hungry all the time.

Number two, he said, I think it’s a lot like the way that you, he’s talking to me, the way that you need to talk to connect. If we go three to four days without really connecting, without sitting down and actually chatting and having some intimate conversation, I start noticing that you become kind of a shell of a person. I know, and I have been married to you long enough to understand that you need us to connect verbally in order to feel safe in our relationship.

If we went four days without connecting verbally at all, you would feel very unsafe. You would be starting to get weird on me. I’m like yeah, that is so true. He was like whatever that is, that’s what I feel like I need with sex. He was like can I go four days without sex? Of course. But do I start feeling like less connected, less desired, less like a partner with you? Yes. That’s just the facts. That’s just how it is.

So when he reminds me of this, it just is so blatantly obvious how much I need verbal connection. If my verbal connection is equivalent to his need for physical connection, is it that crazy that he wants to have sex every day? No, it’s not. I want to connect verbally every day as well.

That has just put a more healthy spin around it. I don’t know why he might be wired this way. My guess is he’s just very healthy and weight lifts and takes testosterone. That’s probably where we’re at with this. But it has really helped me to wrap my mind around like a lot of intimate physical touch.

Danielle: You know, I think you bring up such a good point. But the one thing that I want to say on this, especially for those that are maybe listening to this and being like oh well, then do I need to meet that need? Do I need to then like make sure that that person is taken care of? That can create a lot of pressure, especially if you’re not feeling safe in your body or you’re not really wanting it.

I think the message for a lot of women has been like oh, well, I need to fulfill that need for my husband. That’s where we really need to get like really clear. Like it sounds like you’re like I’m understanding, and it’s a desire. It’s not like that. But for a lot of women, it then is like oh well, I have to take care of this need for him or he’s not going to feel good or he’s not going to feel connected.

The thing that I would really say on that is one of the things to understand with a lot of these like needs and these urges, it really does come to like our mindset of like even though there’s this physiological response in our body, there’s a physiological response anytime we’re engaging with a thought or a belief.

So sometimes when it comes to sex, one of the things that we hear a lot, right, it’s like oh, but it’s just this like biological need. It’s coming up. One of the things that I’ve had to talk with my husband about. I was like yeah, because you’re believing that you need sex. When you’re believing you need sex, that is going to produce more of the hormones, more of the chemicals that are going to have you feeling the physiological desire for it. Right.

So it is really helpful to just understand that. Right. Like I’m not going to die. I’m not going to whatever we have urges all the time in our body. We do have the ability to ride the wave of the urge and understand we’re going to be okay. And there’s a lot of ways that we can still meet this in certain ways where there isn’t this feeling of, like there can be this physical intimacy and this physical connection. We’re feeling connected with one another. It might not look like a long, drawn out sexual session. It might look like making out a little bit or cuddling.

But the idea is to make sure that each partner knows like I’m here for you. We’re going to have like a longer conversation together or we’re going to have a sexy session together. That is coming. I haven’t forgotten you. Having that touch point with one another because depending on where you are in your life, depending also on your partner’s desire is there is a place for compromise and never feeling like it’s your responsibility to make sure these, I’m putting it in quotes, needs but it feels like a physiological need. These desires of your partner are your responsibility to take care of or fulfill. But we can have understanding about them.

This is one of the reasons I really think that it’s such a good idea to plan your pleasure with your partner, plan that partnered pleasure. That has been something, again, like my husband’s the same. We’re going to, he could do it every single day, but that is not always in our pleasure because that is not what our schedule looks like or what I want.

So knowing that it’s coming allows us still to have so much of these other physical touches, and the way that we can meet with this like compromise kind of schedule, which sounds weird, is one of the best ways that you can actually develop more physical and emotional intimacy with your partner where nobody feels like they’re getting the short end of the stick.

Becca: Are you finding that you and your students are having success with planning sex? What does that look like?

Danielle: I don’t like having unplanned sex. I’m a sex coach, right? Like I wouldn’t, you would think like oh, just having it any time. It’s like no, the reason that I plan it is because of how much better it is period. We have been, this is one of the things the media has done. Thank you so much. Told us that for some reason, spontaneous sex is like this desire thing or should be so much better.

The fact is like when I say plan, it doesn’t mean like it has to be weeks in advance or every single Tuesday at 7:30 at night or something like that. Like it could be like hey, what’s your afternoon look like? It can be, but there is a little bit of a heads up. It isn’t like want to get it on right now. Not that this isn’t bad, but having some kind of like I say like a minimum once a week kind of thing. We know we’re going to once a week. Let’s take a look at our week. What does it work for your schedule? We know that’s coming. We know that’s going to be there.

But planning, especially for those of us that are running businesses or are taking care of children or are doing something else, getting your mind on board, getting yourself to be able to create more desire. Those physiological hormones and responses that I was just talking about that men typically don’t have to work on doing because their brain is already there. Giving yourself the space to be able to do that makes it that much better.

Becca: Yeah, absolutely. We don’t plan ours, but I can see the benefits of it because I don’t like to be just walked up to immediate. Like I don’t want spontaneous. I’m the mom in the lion scenario. I’ve got shit to do, but I will be like okay just give me 20 minutes.

Nothing happens in those 20 minutes. I’m not like running off to shave my legs or anything. I’m just wrapping my mind around it. I’m just like okay, I have to like take a breath. I need to like stop thinking about all of the things that are happening and just kind of ground myself back into my body during that 20 minutes. Even if we’re just staring at each other on the couch, I’m just like I’m sorry, I need the 20 minutes. I need to like chill out for a second.

Danielle: And you do. Yeah.

Becca: Yeah. So thankfully he —

Danielle: I call that like bridge to the bedroom, what you’re explaining. It’s like giving yourself a chance to bridge to the bedroom.

Becca: Okay. I didn’t know it had a name, but I bridge every time. I’m like I need a bridge. I mean, and he’s cool. He’s like whatever. I can do anything for 20 minutes. So it’s just really important for me because when he comes at me, it’s like a terrible way of saying it, but like when he comes at me for it and is like wanting it right now, like I’m in the middle of, I don’t know, making myself a lunch for tomorrow. The kids are in bed, and I’m exhausted, and he’s like trying to get me to the bedroom. Like that doesn’t feel good. I need a second.

Danielle: Yeah.

Becca: So that’s a really good advice.

Danielle: Yeah. The bridge to the bedroom. But I would also say part of the reason for like planning, right? Like it sounds like you’re good with creating that, but I really want to normalize like a lot of us need more than that. If you’re dealing with something called decision fatigue, or you’re dealing with oh we’re making so many decisions, and you’re already feeling some maybe elevated stress in your body, all of that, then the decision should I, shouldn’t I. I don’t know, can’t I, can create more tension in your body, moving you further away from desire.

When you have a little bit more of a heads up, when you have a plan, it really can help your brain know so you don’t have to worry. Right. Or if you’re, or there’s a lot of women that I work with, they’re like but I know that they want it, and I don’t want to let them down. So the guilt or this feeling like I should, or I need to, or what’s wrong with me and why can’t I get myself on board?

We can start to eliminate this when we have a plan because then you’re really taking a look at like let’s say it’s one day a week of like I have this space. I can go up to him right now after dinner and fully like put myself on him and make out with him knowing that we don’t have to take it any farther because in a couple of days, it’s our planned session. Giving that like flirtiness and that freedom to really open up to other ways of physical intimacy without this feeling of like but what if. Then they’re going to get this idea that I want it longer, or we should get it on.

Or there’s just so many shoulds that play out in the brains of most women of the guilt, the pressure, I don’t want to let him down. Well, we already started kissing. Maybe then I’ll be a tease. I don’t want to be a tease. That we’ve grown up with. That when we create more of a structure and a system that works for you, everybody benefits in so many ways.

What most husbands report back to me is like how much more fun their wife has become because they become more flirty. They become more turned on like they were at the beginning. They become this because there isn’t this fear or this pressure. I know it sounds so weird saying fear, right? But that —

Becca: No, I get it. Yeah, absolutely.

Danielle: Like I can’t like I’m going to let somebody down or I’m going to disappoint them or I’m or they’re going to be upset with me or they’re going to be mad with me or they’re going to think that.

Becca: Yeah. Like if I start making out with them, it’s like a promise that we’re going to the bedroom right now. That’s not what I’m trying to do. Yeah, absolutely.

Danielle: Yeah.

Becca: That’s such great advice. So what do you think just if you could give us, I don’t know, top three, what would be your top three little nuggets of advice for a woman that’s listening to this right now? She loves sex, and she wants to rekindle her life with sex. She’s kind of in the situation that we’ve been talking about where sex has become like a chore, and she doesn’t want it to be. What would you tell her?

Danielle: I would say the number one thing is to get your mind on board with why this matters for you, why it’s for you, why it benefits you. Like this is that mindset piece that is so important. It doesn’t happen overnight. Because you’ve been growing up with messages probably for the last 30 years of all the reasons it’s not really for you, and you’re giving it away, and all the reasons, it’s going to take too much effort, and I have to pee afterwards, and I’m too tired and all the shit, right? Like no, no, no, no. Like we have it there.

So it’s like we have to immerse yourself in messages of like why it’s beneficial, how this is helping me, why I would want to, how I feel in the morning, reminding yourself of like the extra pep you have in your step after you’ve had a great romp the night before, like wearing your rose colored glasses.

Think about the way that you want your kids to witness your relationship. Think about the way that it’s optimizing your brain, helping with your self-compassion, helping with your focus, helping resource you, giving you more energy. Whatever it is, get your mind on board. Also understand that your reasons and your whys might change. They change daily for me, right?

So creating a whole list of all these reasons why that you write down that you can refer back to, and you’re like that reason matters to me. I want to show my daughters what it’s like to be a turned on woman that is still so in love with her husband and isn’t afraid of this beautiful body she’s in. Whatever it might be, right? Get your mind on board. That would be number one.

The second thing that I would recommend is schedule it, like straight up like schedule it. Really commit to something. What is something you could commit to right now? Can you commit to just like one day a week? Start with something lower, I would say, at the beginning to kind of like wrap your head around it to really get there.

Becca: So not two-a-day blowjobs?

Danielle: I love blowjobs. I love them.

Becca: I took your blowjob class. Listen, to anybody that’s listening to this. Can they still access that?

Danielle: Yeah, yeah. It’s up there.

Becca: Okay, Danielle’s blowjob class. Listen, my husband was the biggest fan of that class. He didn’t watch it. He didn’t watch it, but he loved it.

Danielle: He benefited.

Becca: He did. He loved it. Okay, sorry to interrupt. I just had to throw a joke in. Good.

Danielle: Yeah. The thing when I say schedule it, like also I don’t say sex. The reason I don’t say sex, we call it a session in our partnership. We call it a session. The reason we want to call it a session is because there’s so much emphasis on P in the V that it really takes away from all of the other elements that really turn a woman on, female pleasure.

Giving ourselves permission that maybe, maybe there’s going to be P in V, but there’s also so many other things that we can do, so many other things that might be more fun. Any men listening that like there’s not anything more fun, like I think that my husband can attest to like there’s a lot, right?

Becca: My husband would attest to that too. I feel like he’s the one that opened my eyes to that. I think I had gotten into the P in the V rut, you know? I just was like that’s what you do. I remember when he wanted to do some of this other stuff. I was like that feels like high school. Like what do you mean?

Danielle: Like why would we waste our time?

Becca: Why would we do that? Now all the other things are just spices and flavors to the pot of gold.

Danielle: So much.

Becca: Yeah, absolutely.

Danielle: They open up our mind. Some women, they experience pain. They don’t experience a lot of pleasure with P in the V, you know? It’s like can be sometimes a nice to have depending on where they’re at like in their cycle that month. Deep penetration can be painful or deep penetration can like send them to a whole other fourth dimension, you know?

So it’s like understanding that the things that are going to turn us on, the way that we’re wired, the way that our tissues respond are going to change throughout a month, and what might have really turned you on last week, like maybe talking dirty to them, getting like into it. You’re like if you talk to me like that, I’m going to slap your dick off, right? Like not this week, right?

So it’s really like having a session gives us so much more room for creativity, so much more room for play, which is what pleasure should be, and really doesn’t put any pressure on how it’s supposed to be or where it’s going to end. So schedule it, make it a session, allow it to be creative.

Then the third thing I would say is start getting out of your head and into your body to experience pleasure on the daily, straight up. This is a non-negotiable. We spend so much time in our head. I know that you’ve talked on this before, and a lot of people, they’re not new to the idea that we need to get out of our fucking heads and be present in our bodies.

But that being said, we typically do this with an approach of mindfulness. I’ve been a meditation teacher and a mindfulness teacher for over a decade. The way that I take this to the next level is it’s not just being mindful, like what’s going on? What’s here? But how can we turn our perception towards what feels good, towards delight, towards pleasure, towards joy?

Because when we build the muscle of pleasure, when we start turning towards the good, you actually will rewire your brain for more good in all areas of your life. When we do that, we become more receptive. We become more open to receiving success in our business, more love, like all of the good stuff. But we have to wire our brains for the good and look for it and then actually practice receiving it.

So start dropping into your head, start turning towards pleasure, whether it’s the cold drink of water that you have at the end of a long workout, the cuddling of your children and smelling like they’re cute little heads after they come in from the sunshine, like whatever it is. Be present for those moments. Be like this is for me. This moment of pleasure is for me. I feel it just like penetrating my whole body.

Becca: I love that. I love that. Such good advice. So number one, schedule it. Or no, that was number two.

Danielle: No, number one, get your mind around why it matters.

Becca: Why it matters. Number two, get used to scheduling it or try scheduling it. Then number three. That’s awesome. So let me ask you this. Do you ever, so I’m literally just making this up right now on this podcast, but I would give this advice right now when it comes to sex, which is to bring. Like if you and your partner use humor and you are a humorous people, like don’t let that die in the bedroom. I think that there was a time in my life where like we let that die.

I think that there’s like this pressure too. It’s like Mark and I would be joking in the kitchen, joking all day, joking on text, laughing. Like that is us. That really is who we are. Like we are funny, and we are always trying to make each other laugh. Then we would get in the bedroom, and it would just be like complete shutdown, you know? Like don’t do this. Don’t do that. Or like do it this way, do it that way.

Thankfully, I think that we’ve released that. I think the last few years we’ve been even more humorous in the bedroom. It’s like why did we stop being ourselves as soon as the lights turned off? Like no, like be yourself. If you’re feeling weird about talking in the bedroom, like you can just be yourself, bring humor to it.

Like there’s times that Mark will say something because he wants to say like this sexy thing. Then we will just laugh out loud. Then we’re like nope, that ain’t it. That was not it. That was not it. You know? It’s just like you don’t have to turn into different people in the bedroom just because you’ve like pressurized this task, quote unquote, that you think is supposed to be a certain way. You just get to be you the whole time.

Danielle: Yeah, I love that you brought that up. Because I think that, again, media is sex has become so performative. I think especially for most women, it’s become performative from the very beginning. Like what do I think would turn my partner on? Or what do they think that I should look like or do or moan or make sounds like? We’re not actually connected to ourselves, to our bodies, to what feels good, how we want to act.

There’s so many different flavors of ourselves. I love thinking like when people always ask me, like how do I spice it up? How do I make it different? I’m like you could be doing the exact same moves every single time and bring a different energy to it and have different sex every single time.

So many people get caught up in like the act or the process or toys or not toys or positions are all blah, blah, right? It’s no, actually, it is the tone. Is this going to be like a hot and steamy session? Is this going to be super playful? Is this going to be kind of like energy of like dominatrix? Like whatever it is, like you bring an energy to it, you could be doing the same position, and you’re going to have a completely different experience.

So I love what you’re talking about, too, is like allowing ourselves to not make it be one way, be so serious. Especially if that’s not congruent with who you are, like why would you? This is our place that we get to be vulnerable, that we get to take the masks off. When you do that, that’s when the sex gets super mind blowing.

Becca: Love that so much. I hope all my listeners just have the best sex of their life tonight. Like you’re just changing the world, Danielle. You’re just bringing so much awareness.

Danielle: I know, and if you do, can you DM me? Tell me it was so good. I love.

Becca: Tell us.

Danielle: I had the best orgasm, or I just gave the best blowjob and orgasmed while I was doing, whatever it is. I love those messages. Give them to Becca, give them to me like this is what gives me passion to keep going out there because I truly believe that the more pleasured we are, like the more creative this world is, the more loving this world is, the more like there’s just so much good that comes from the world when you’re connecting in a compassionate and pleasured way.

Becca: Tell us about the P in the V and then send pictures. Just kidding.

Danielle: Yeah.

Becca: Don’t do that.

Danielle: You don’t I don’t want any dick pics, please.

Becca: No dick pics.

Danielle: I’ve gotten enough of those.

Becca: Oh, thank God. I feel like I missed the dick pic era by a hair, by a pubic hair. I feel like right when I came off the market.

Danielle: Yeah. So, I got those not from husband but because I’m a sex coach.

Becca: Oh, like your students, like male students?

Danielle: No, no, no, no. This is like just people that like follow me on Instagram.

Becca: Oh, my God.

Danielle: Like what could I do with this? Or could you coach me on this? Whatever.

Becca: No.

Danielle: Yeah. Welcome to the world of sex coaching.

Becca: What do you think is the —

Danielle: I like the brain. If this was a picture of your brain scan, I’ll be way more turned on.

Becca: This is the perfect segue into my last question, which is like what do you think is the most common misconception about what you do? Is it this? Like you’re like I’m a neuroscientist. They’re like dick pics?

Danielle: Yes and no. I think the biggest misconception is like when I’m coaching people, all I’m coaching them on is sex. Even though we’ve talked about sex a lot on this podcast, again, really what gets me going is like this is a huge part of who we are as individuals. Again, we’re doing such a disservice by not integrating it. But I feel like when it comes to our sexual relationship, it really is a microcosm of all of the obstacles that we have that are showing up in all areas of our life. We get the quickest results by focusing on sex.

But it’s like I’m coaching on everything during the day because of what sex brings up, because there’s blocks to it, because there’s I don’t have desire, or I’m so frustrated with my partner, or like I’m so jazzed with what I’m creating my business. How do I even think about sex right now when all I want to do is like create this course or create this program, or like go and put this big business out into the world, right?

So there’s all these ways that we’re like how can we truly expand our capacity to receive more and receive more pleasure? That’s really what this work is all about. The greatest source of pleasure that we can receive in our physical bodies is through our genitals and being able to use that and channel that for these big things, but then also utilizing that as kind of a window into all of the areas and where we’re blocking off. Like that’s what I do.

There’s a lot of sex coaches that are really just technique, strategy focused, talking more about that, or Tantra and more into that sort of a realm. I think they’re all great, and they have a place. That is not what you’re doing with me. You’re coming in, and we are going to optimize you as a human being using sex and pleasure as our window into where else you’re holding back from receiving.

Becca: I love what you do. I’m so, so glad that you could be on today. Where can my audience find you?

Danielle: I’m on Instagram at The Practice of Pleasure. You can find me on my podcast It’s My Pleasure, and my website, DanielleSavory.com. You can find courses, like the blowjob course that was mentioned there. But there’s also some free courses like how to make a longtime lover new again.

Or if you really want to get out of your head and into your body, I have a free guide called the Savory Starter Guide. This is just a way that you can shift the way that you approach your morning routine. Nothing has to change. So don’t worry, you’re not adding anything else. But you’re going to feel better in your body and start your day off with some more pleasure.

Becca: I love it. Thank you so much, Danielle. I hope to have you on again real soon.

Danielle: Yeah, thank you.

Hey guys, this podcast is the blood sweat and tears of a lot of different people. The planning and the preparation of each episode is extensive. My team and I are really proud to bring you this free and abundant content each week, and we hope that you’re loving it. If you are, the very best thank you that we can receive from you is a review and a share.

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Hey, thanks for taking the time to listen to today’s episode. If you’re looking to get more clarity and momentum for your business, visit hellyescoachingonline.com. See you next week here on The Hell Yes Entrepreneur podcast.

 

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